


The Texas Crematorium

by tbmd1066



Series: Hot Potato Prompts [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, I mean, Jean fucks a tree… so..., Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 07:42:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1680272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbmd1066/pseuds/tbmd1066
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Well, we never explained why there is only one crematorium in Texas, but there is same-sex ice dancing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Texas Crematorium

“Hello, Texas Crematorium, you kill em’ we grill em’. How can I help you?” Eren answered in an absurdly chipper tone.

“So, JAEGER... why is there only one crematorium in Texas?”

“Fuck you, Jean.” Eren hung up the phone. Ever since his profoundly handicapped friend had started hanging around with that Kirshishchchisihentientent asshole, he’d been crank-calling the crematorium. It had been going on for several weeks now. He liked Marco, but Jean was such an ASSHOLE. He’d been hoping that they would break up, but since the chances of Marco ever getting some after that terrible, terrible accident had been cut down to about zero, he didn’t want to be the cause of ending his only relationship. Although maybe being single would be better than dating Jean.

Mikasa said maybe Eren should just tell Jean why there was only one crematorium in Texas, but of course, Eren was more than a little reluctant to do that.

“Jean, let’s just go to the tree over there and I’ll explain to you why there’s only one crematorium in Texas.” Eren said exasperatedly.

“Why there?” Jean inquired.

“It has to do with the history of that tree. It’s a very old tree. Come on, just come with me.” Jean was hesitant. Eren sighed. “Hey, does this smell like chloroform?” Eren said, knocking Jean unconscious.

When Jean awoke next he was strapped to the maple tree, entirely nude. He felt the leather belts making imprints on his skin. “What the fuck, Eren?”

“You should know that I lied to get you here. This tree is not filled with history about the Texas crematorium. In fact, this tree is dead. We are all dead. Were we ever alive?”

“Eren, what the hell are you talking about, you shitstain?”

“There’s only one way to find out, Jean. Have syrupy sex with this maple tree.”

“What?”

“You’ve heard of staff hazing, Jean. We all had to do this. It’s a part of our initiation process here. Once you do this, you will be one of us.”

Jean was shocked. He didn’t know what to say, but he was tired, so he decided to go along with it. Eren let him down from the tree.

A crowd began to gather and chant, “Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree.”

Jean winced and flung himself around the tree. It automatically became soaked with maple syrup. Jean thrusted and licked, knowing that this would probably result in serious damage to his member, but he didn’t care. It was as though the syrup was enchanted, but suddenly it was alluring to him. He wanted the tree. He wanted it more than anything. He felt an intense gathering of feeling surrounding his nether regions when finally he climaxed and collapsed against the tree in relief, breathing heavily. But when he went to move, he found himself unable.

“Help... help! I’m stuck to the maple tree!” Jean cried.

“It’s safer to stay up there now! You’ll die if you come down!” Erin shouted back, fending off the blood lusting vampires. His hair dramatically flipped from left to right, slow motion sparkles flying off.

“Eren! Don’t let them bite you!!!! If they bite you, you’ll get AIDS and die!!” Mikasa yelled from behind a tree. Erin reached out his hand toward Mikasa.

“MIKASAAAAAA!!!”

“EREEEEEN!!!!!”

“MIKAAAAAAASSSSSAAAAA!!!!”

“EEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEENNN!!!!!”

“MIIIKAAA-” A vampire came up behind Eren and.... well. There goes his blood. Oh well. He wasn’t needed in this story anyway right?

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Sasha, who had been napping in the corner, sprang up suddenly. “Pizza is here!” She sang, and she skipped off to answer it. She was quite disappointed when she opened the door not to find pizza, but to find Ralph the mortician standing there.

“Have you kids been taking good care of my crematorium?” He asked in a monotonous tone. Sasha nodded. He pushed his way past her and into the building. When he saw the bloody mess on the floor, he groaned and murmured something about how kids always mess up the cremations like this. He pulled the lever on the wall and the janitorial staff (a group of gnomes) emerged from a hole in the corner and began to mop of the floor and pick up the bits and pieces. Ralph then walked over to the door at the far end of the building, the one that had been locked. He clapped his hands, and every living person in the crematorium lined up in front of him. Well, everyone except Marco, who was twitching on the floor somewhere in a puddle of Jean’s tears.

With everyone gathered around, Ralph cleared his throat. “It is time my friends.” He pulled a large, gold key out of his shirt pocket and raised it up, displaying it clearly for his audience. “There is something I need you all to see. I’m sorry that I’ve kept this from you all for so long.” He slipped the key into the lock. Everyone waited, trying to imagine what sort of things this dealer with death had hid behind his door. None of them were prepared for what was really there.

Ralph pranced out onto the ice rink, skating in circles, doing some basic jumps and tricks. He paused in the middle of the rink. “I need ALL of the men in the middle of the rink, right this minute. It is time for some same-sex ice dancing!"

And so the men skated round and round, making for a beautiful performance. The women left upstairs to go actually attend to all the business that the crematorium was getting. They all lived happily ever after.

THE END 

**Author's Note:**

> We don't know what the fuck either.
> 
> Prompt cards for this fic: The profoundly handicapped, Syrupy sex with a maple tree, Another goddamn vampire movie, same-sex ice dancing.


End file.
